I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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