I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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