Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
