I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize