what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
