Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
