I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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