I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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