theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
