Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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