omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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