You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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