I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
