I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
