She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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