i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
