just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
