I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
