Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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