Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
