We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
