When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
