life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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