So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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