hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
