i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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