My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize