She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
