im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
