Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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