he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
