I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
