took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
