I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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