I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
