it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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