she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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