We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize