He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
