clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
