You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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