Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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