Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
