peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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