Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
