mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
