I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
