Your mouth is God's brothel.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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