My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
