he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
