i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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