I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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