I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
