her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
