Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
