Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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