Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
