Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
