He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
