So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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