Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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